Monday, May 2, 2011

Find Me

Maybe I'm a little bit crazy
To be thinkin' bout you lately,
Shoulda said, coulda said
does nothing but leave me hanging.
Now maybe you think you've found
Just another girl inside your world
And maybe you think that she
is the girl that you call me...

baby find me.
find me early mornings
out past that line of pines
find me in my car
driving outside the lines
find me right beside you
or a thousand miles away
I just want you to find me
on an ordinary day.

The girl you see ain't who I am
Cuz who I am no eye could see
I promise you, you won't be sorry
Once you pick apart the pieces
Of my endless simple story
And find the real me

Baby find me
Find me the day I showed up late
To my first awkward date
Find the smile I lost in pictures
That line my mamas staircase
Find me on that old dirt road
That one place I still call home
I just want you to find me
In my every day.

Now you're thinkin'
That's a whole lotta searchin
and a whole lotta lookin'
A whole lotta exploration
with no final destination

Baby find me
Find me and all my friends
out on the lake summer weekends
Meet my mama and meet my daddy
pick me up in the middle of the night
drive till the break of dawn
wake up layin' right beside me
and you might see...
You found the me that no one sees.

 By: Brooke Thomas

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

365 Days

Living in this world is like living in a stagnant pond full of lukewarm conformers. All anyone does anymore revolves around drinking and "fun". I hate the word fun. That word is beyond overused and could now mean almost anything ....not to mention be used as the excuse we told ourselves the morning after a night filled with bad decisions. There is a time and a place for drinking but it seems like that's ALL anyone does...they rely on it to form opinions, relationships and even personality. Nothing is considered wrong anymore and everything is accepted under the false, misconstrued concept of "fun". I missed the days when having fun didn't involve intoxication and bars. I missed the days when fun was not about what you were doing but who you were with.
In a world where everything is accepted.... what was there left to stand for? What was there left with meaning? How can you cross a line that had never been drawn? People do as they please with no concept of morals or even standards anymore, no one understood consequences and no one understood right from wrong.....the "anything goes" mentality made me physically ill. Everything was so....replaceable...interchangeable.
Sometimes I wished I could walk around wearing a mask. I wanted people to see me for who I really was rather than just some "pretty face with a nice ass". I hated walking around and all people seemed to notice was my physical appearance. All they saw was some piece of meat, just another girl to approach .... but then again there were always others. Who I am is so much more valuable than the color of my hair or how my ass looks in jeans. I am not replaceable!! I refuse to accept the world I live in and become another washed up slut downtown every weekend with my tits hanging out, draped over another nameless guy in every picture. There is SO much more to life. I don't live to please. I don't live to please MEN. I don't live to please ANYONE. I will NEVER change who I am to become someone else's idea of perfect. I AM ME. I'd rather sit at home and stare at a wall than talk to someone with an IQ lower than my age. Everyone judges me by my appearance and takes me to be just another beautiful face amongst many...just a smile, a laugh, another shallow, pitiful, excuse for a woman. Just like the rest. I'm not scared of offending people and I will never change that. I am who I am. I will NEVER date someone just because I am scared of being alone like every other girl I know... accepting whatever comes there way.. dating for money or for anything other than love is like living a lie. I hate liars. Until someone takes the time to see me for who I am and sees past my outer appearance and loves me for WHO I AM rather than what I look like !! ...Then alone is what I'll be. I won't ever settle. People think I'm crazy, different or just weird..they tell me to date around, ...go have "FUN".... No no no no no NO. Not for me. I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than waste myself like that. All or nothing. No one gets that.
There was so much more to me than my face, hair, much more than a pretty face... but no one ever takes the time to see it or even attempt to hold a conversation that does not involve workout routines or some reality show where sleeping around with a million people was as normal as washing the dishes.
Girls were talked about like breaking news....but disappeared and were forgotten just as quickly. All men cared about anymore was how many girls they could sleep with and how hot they supposedly were.... picking up girls was pretty much as easy and effortless as stopping at Taco Bell... just stop by a bar and pick one up to go...could get one probably a mile up the road or back, didn't matter because it was all the same thing. The girls are all just as bad, they are in that position and accept it either because they are too stupid, or ignorant to know better...or they simply wanted the same things. It's sad that morals have gotten this low. I honestly think they don't exist anymore. No one cares and "everybody does it" so why would it matter. I'm sick of it. I'd rather stand alone forever than compromise who I am to conform to today's low, disgusting, repulsive way of life.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Day 285

Here I was again. I say "again" like this was as common an occurrence as brushing my teeth... but in all reality I'd only been here once before. The here and now was all too familiar; the meaningless days and sleepless nights. I was beginning to consider myself flawed to a fault. I had improved though, as hard as it was for me to admit. I could still move, live and eat; but inside it was the same. The same hopeless feeling and the same utter nothingness that filled my already empty world. I had no way to explain it. Acting like nothing is wrong... had somehow become a part of me and I could no longer tell what was real anymore. What had I been thinking ? What delusional frame of mind had I been in ? Hadn't I learned my lesson ? Apparently not.

I stared at that ceiling for as long as I could without blinking. The ceiling gazed back with the cold, dark stare that could outlast even my most impressing of attempts. I couldn't sleep. Every time I closed my eyes it was like an awful song replaying over and over again; enough to drive me insane. Taking out the bag of Halloween candy I kept stashed underneath my bed, I slowly unwrapped whatever I grabbed first. Of course it would be taffy and all the kinds of candy I always hated because there was no way I'd let the good ones last this long. But, to my surprise I had somehow grabbed the last pack of M & M's left in my pillow sheet bag. The moment of happiness I found when I saw that slight stroke of luck enclosed in the brown paper bag was gone as quickly as it came. Frustrated, I turned out all distractions in my room and even unplugged my clock; blaming it's light on my insomnia. I knew better.

The next morning blew in with a storm, the first one I'd seen in a while...but then again I hardly paid attention anymore. It's soothing wind lulled me back to sleep for another hour before I realized I was late for work. Now the storm was screaming at me, screaming just like I wanted to. Screaming because it could. It was free to rain down it's fury on everyone and everything, soaking them in it's torrential anger. I wanted to be a storm, no, I wanted to be a hurricane.